29 October 2007

Every now and then I ask my husband if he's ready to get out of the Army, move to Alaska, build a cabin, and live the real life yet? He was willing after he came home from Iraq, but I wasn't ready. Now I'm ready but he wants to stay in the Army. We clearly are on different pages.

It's not just that I want to live in Alaska. I'm more after simplicity. I want to get back to the basics of life. Just to be able to peek outside and not have to worry about the fast-paced, false world we live in now. To see a wild animal or a wildflower. To see a sunset or watch the stars and breathe fresh, clean air. I long for all that.

No more soldiering. No more war. No more news. No more lies and tears and lonliness. No more putting my life on hold so he can do it all. Of course I'm proud of him, but I'm tired. And he is too.

Sometimes one can feel trapped to stay in this life. What will we do out there? How will we give the kids health insurance and a decent home, with food, toys, a future? Infantry skills are great for the Army, but I can't exactly kill people out there in America...

That's why I'm going to college my love, to become a nurse and make some money and help people all the while. So we can get out and look around and breathe again. See what life is really about. I have forgotten that world to the point that I am afraid of it, and you have forgotten it even more so than I. Here, on the inside, it get's so cold and lonely. The outside looks brand new and adventurous.

I miss my sister. She needs her big sister when that first little baby comes. I miss my parents. I want to know them again before they get to old and don't remember who I am. I know you miss your family, though you don't even seem to know who you are anymore.

I especially miss you, my love. There are so many divorces in this world. Everyone you and I know have been divorced or are unfaithful to each other. The rings on our fingers mean nothing to them, but it has always meant so much to us. Let's hold on to each other and get away while we still can...

So he has at least a couple more years on his contract. One can have a daydream moment, can't she?


Jenni said...

I know what you mean about feeling trapped...my husband just re-enlisted in the Air Force a few weeks ago. He was all for getting out until he looked at the jobs available in town and realized how well the military takes care of us financially, especially with me in school.

Will your husband get any time off soon? Maybe you could sneak off into the mountains, live in a log cabin for a week or two, and just enjoy the simple life. =)

I agree with you...it's so easy to get caught up in the day to day chaos and forget what truly is important. I hope everything works out and you can both get some time together. =)

Long-time RN said...

Lots of changes in your life. Been reading your writing for quite a while.
It's difficult to close the book on all that is familiar. So sorry you couldn't be in WA to see the guys return. Now you're on a new path, and from the sounds of it, a somewhat rocky one.
Very glad to hear you are continuing on for a nursing degree. Much like soldiers, we are a special breed! I wish you every success in the semesters ahead.
TUS is so right, you are strong, the glue that holds your family together. As an army spouse, your job is as important as the one your husband performs. So thank you and keep moving forward. Things have a way of working out.
Take care of yourself,
Cathy B

Christopher said...

Soldier Dedication - original song and video

spreading the love and appreciation...

Jane said...

It can be very tough, stick with it though it will be worth it.

Anonymous said...