15 December 2007

We get a tiny bit of clouds and drizzle and everyone here throws on thier coats, hats, umbrellas even, and call it rain. I call it a little bit of home as I wear a short sleeve t-shirt and stand out in the chilly air soaking it up. Who'd have ever thought I'd miss the rain so much?

I am ready to begin work at the hospital. I've been asked more than once if I have been there yet and seen what there is to see? I knew they meant the burned, tore up soldiers from Iraq. The soldiers who are missing parts of thier bodies, skin, face. The guys in wheelchairs without arms and legs, or with bandages around thier burned faces, or what is left of a once beautiful face. Of course I have seen it. And I am going there to do what ever I can to help out.

Home life is okay. Fine, even. I rarely walk on eggshells anymore, ever since I found this excellant article on co-dependency, and it woke me up a bit. While self-medication through alcohol and 'shutting down' are still regular occurances for my soldier, he understands that I don't like them very much. We have somehow managed a twisted compromise involving alcohol and family and army and religion. To try and prioritize that list just isn't possible right now. It depends on the moment, really. I'd like to say that Iraq was the only cause of PTSD and a messed up life, but I believe the infantry unit he was in began the hell years before he ever deployed. He was low-crawling and 'killing the enemy' in his sleep way before he ever left for war.

Fortunately I am relearning that I must take care of me, and not just by going to ballet or school or work. My children are becoming more of my focus-as they should be, as well as myself, and not just him. I am beginning to remember that my opinions matter, and they matter alot. I am also learning to be fair and patient, less judgemental, more compassionate. Everyday seems to be a learning experience around here, for some reason. If I dare to hope for a better place, it's okay. I'm not disillusioned. Hope, kind words, and willpower really do make a difference. I've witnessed it many times over.

There is still hope here.

7 comments:

WmEarl said...

I don't really know enough, but I stopped having nightmares from whatever I was fighting in my life after Vietnam when I stopped drinking and smoking. I think the lack of overindulgence in alcohol worked. I still dream military but they aren't dangerous to my wife's sleep like they were once. Hang in there, find your center (a good heart is always a starting point) and smile into everyone's tomorrow.

Long-time RN said...

Wishing you and your family a Merry Christmas and happiness in the new year. All the best as you continue walking the path to find a balance in life, love, and raising children. If you should discover the secret, please share it with us out here!
Take care of yourself.

Household6 said...

Merry Christmas!

Charla said...

WOW, it sounds like you've been through a lot the past few months! So sorry I've not been by for a while!!

Life is definately a learning experience, especially the military life! I am amazed at the changes in myself this past year! It's about growing up and finding yourself in life's never-ending chaos! I'm so glad that you're finding a new peace and comfort in yourself, and also realizing that though you love and support your husband no matter what..you are your own person and sometimes you just have to shift your focus away from him and his conflicts, and focus more on yourself and what makes you happy and content with your life!

Take care of yourself!!! Wishing you and your family many blessings ahead in 2008!!! :)

the Sapphire Cat said...

you are a gorgeous writer and i am just loving the music and ballet references. (oh how i love the sundays!). writing is equal amounts of word stringing and having something different to say and really, you have both in spades!

Long-time RN said...

Tell me you posted to your site a few days ago and decided to remove the entry. Swear I read a new one and now it's gone. Frustration was evident and yes, it is heartbreaking to read and feel the struggles of one currently deployed. Hope you are hanging in there with the loads of military testosterone and mindset surrounding you each day. Also hope you are continuing with school. Take care of yourself.

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