30 October 2008

We live on post. Housing is roomy enough, and I have set up our 'home' even though we don't really know where home is anymore. Things are better. Neither I nor my husband are as crazy in the head as we used to be. I no longer have to worry about him bringing home soldiers who sit around and get drunk with him and make sexual hints to me behind his back. At one time I thought that was how army life had to be, but now I realize that is no kind of life.

With a little help I have been able to see the viscious trap many families in the military fall into: alcoholism, lies, hurt, a feeling of no escape. He hasn't drank in over half a year. And I told him straight up that I can no longer live with his lies. What is a relationship, really, if there's no trust or honesty? It's certainly not a healthy one, nor is it one I want myself or my daughters subjected to anymore. He has reached out for all sorts of help and programs and has shown me in every way possible that he is serious about getting help. He has been through alot and I know that. I've been there for him. I wait. And hope. And pray. I also save my money and have my back up plans... just in case. He is who he is and I no longer try to change him. Either he continues to be someone worth living with, or he doesn't.

The truth is we do care deeply for each other, but I can no longer be the coward I have hated so much, who accepted so much...so we'll see what happens.

Yes, I am a huge Twilight fan, though I keep it fairly quiet. Stephanie Meyer created a timeless story than can take even a fifty year old back to the age of seventeen- a time when love really was true, and when it was all that seemed to matter. She created an amazing man who can only be found through paper and pen. (And to think I lived that close to Edward in Forks, Washington when we were stationed at Fort Lewis.) November 21st, the book comes to life in the movie theaters. Being who I am, I will not go see the movie for the first week or two. I truly live in my books and movies and if there is a person's head in front of me at the theater, then I will most likely smack it... so I will wait till the hype calms down a bit and the crowds become sparse.

The reason I even bother to mention Twilight is because the first four books were my dearest companions as I journeyed from Texas through Louisiana, through Mississippi, through Alabama, through Georgia, up to South Carolina to pick up my husband, and back to Georgia to a new army post. I mostly read them at night, after my girls were tucked into the hotel beds and the lights were dimmed. Out came the flashlight and alive came Edward and Bella. I would stay up reading til I couldn't see anymore or until the book and flashlight would fall to the floor, my eyes closing. Of course I read Breaking Dawn, but that was after we arrived at Fort Stewart and I had to wait until August for its release. I can only say that Stephenie Meyer has a mind I would love to visit.

We were walking through Wal Mart the other day, the only major store around Hinesville for about 45 miles, when a soldier commented on how bad ass my husbands Sea Hawks jersey was. We found out he was from Seattle too, and was just recently stationed here in Georgia. His english was so crisp and clear. For once I finally heard my own North Western accent. I hear alot of odd slang and accents around here. Black, South, slurred....you name it, the accent is here. I had a best friend from Alabama who was stationed in Washington with us and she tried to tell me we sounded as though we spoke more proper or something. I thought it was odd but now I know what she was trying to say.

It's good to write again. I've missed me.


Long-time RN said...

Good to read you again, Julie Anna.

Gabriella said...

Dear Julie Anna,

I am the co-artistic director of PoliglotTheater, a New York-based dance theater company. Poliglot is currently in the process of developing two pieces dealing with the war in Iraq: Homefront, a dance piece which draws its text from the blogs and letters of military wives and mothers, and Baghdad Calling, which will be a collage of blogs entries, poetry, and songs written by soldiers during their service in Iraq.

I am writing to ask permission to use some of your blog entries in Homefront. In the course of my research for this piece, I read a lot of milblogs, but yours perhaps touched me the most, and most reminded me of myself. After reading your blog, I almost feel that I know you, and I want New York audiences to know you as well - to know the loneliness and sadness of life with a husband deployed, to understand the difficulties of raising children alone, and to hear what war does to a young man, and a young marriage, from the person closest to him.

Please email me at gabriella@poliglottheater.org and let me know your thoughts on this project. I am more than happy to discuss any concerns you may have about the piece or the use of your words. I would love to hear from you.

Best wishes,
Gabriella Pinto

TBone said...

Julie Anna,

I'm glad things are going better for you, and hope they get better for you every single day. I am not blogging so much any more, but occasionally stop by to see if you are around. I'm glad to see that you recently posted. I missed you.

Take good care of yourself and have a happy holiday season.

aka TBone

Long-time RN said...

Merry Christmas to you and yours, Julie Anna.

Long-time RN said...

...and best to you in the New Year.

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Anonymous said...

Julie Anna, if you decide to dump the bum, come get with me. I'll take great care of you and I don't drink or smoke. I'll love you a long time!

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