14 February 2010

I want to thank everyone who has ever commented. It means alot to me.

My husband has been home for about four months now and he has literally everyday gone out of his way to show our girls and I how much he loves us. It took alot of ptsd therapy through the vet center (which he is still receiving) and continous marriage therapy. He absolutely refused to go through the army services and somehow was allowed to get help throught the vet center, as long as they worked with the active army.

The other thing that really made a difference was when I finally let him go. I finally woke up and realized that as much as he blamed me for everything, it wasn't my fault and I couldn't help him. I had no other choice than to take care of myself and our girls and that is finally what I did. I told him I would let him go if that is what he really wanted. He could go party, play, meet women, drink himself to death...I would no longer allow the kids and I to live the hell he was putting us through. I had a strong support group with my family and our church and my Heavenly Father. And I would let my husband go for good and take our girls and get the hell out of his way.

He said no, he didn't want that. He wanted us. He started going to his ptsd therapy appointments, stopped drinking, stopped hanging around certain people, he took his numerous meds daily, attended anger management classes and ptsd studies, he took our marriage therapy seriously. He moved back home and even began to participate in family prayers everyday. Once I let go, he held on.

I have such hope for us. We both are very careful now to show each other love and appreciation everyday. I know that I cannot control him, nor would I ever want to try again. I deserve a man who will fight for our marriage and family and that is what he must do to keep us. And that is what he is doing. I stand by his side because I want to now, not because I am afraid or feel that there are no other options. I believe in him and in us, and best of all- I believe in myself. I help my husband alot with all his appointments, and health and memory issues. I don't mind.

I have seen the wonderful man I met and married change after war and I have literally watched the demons dance around him through it all. The hell we, as a family, have gone through has been the worst nightmare I have ever endured. I can't let myself think to much about it yet, as the pain is to tremendous to bare. I start crying in the middle of the day for absolutely no reason, but I know there are reasons, very real ones.

The man I knew and loved so much is coming back to life a little more everyday. I am so grateful. He is still in the army and we still live on post. He has years to go in his enlistment and I don't know if the army will let him out or not. If not, then he will be so close to retirement then that is what he will do. If they let him out soon, then we will take on a whole new life in the civilian world. I really wouldn't mind going back to it. I really wouldn't mind if he and I just took our girls and moved to Alaska and hid away from the world in a cabin for a very, very long time.

I suffer from my own ptsd, or so the therapists say. I walked on the edge for so long that I still find myself doing it once in awhile... But I can now look around and smile. I still believe in hope and I think this time, hope believes in me.


I think I may really be able to go back to chronicalling daily armywife life now. Through the eyes of a wiser, albeit very cautious armywife now. That's okay. Maybe I can help some newer military wives out there through the hell they will quite possibly endure, if they are not already there.

Hang in there ladies. Be strong and take care of yourselves. You deserve to be loved and to be happy. War, ptsd, tramatic brain injury...it's all very real so keep in mind that your husband probably still does love you very much. But while he is trapped in his own hellacious world and has to decide for himself when to get help, you need to back off, be strong, and look out for yourselves.

4 comments:

Christa said...

thank you.

Long-time RN said...

Oh gosh, Julie Anna, a wonderful surprise seeing a new post when stopping by this evening!

Wisdom through experience. Hope. So good to read of your hope and smiles. So very glad your husband continues therapies in wrestling with PTSD.

Checked here often hoping to hear from you. Have thought of you often and lifted prayers for your family. Bless you, sweetie, and all those dealing with the after effects of service and their families. When you're ready, you'll be a great resource for others travelling the same road.

Take good care of you.
((Hugs))

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-|[ Jenniferjo ]|- said...

I fell across your page quite by accident, actually by repeatedly clicking the "next blog" tab on my own page. This particular account of the struggle you have with your husband, and the progress he has made, should be re-printed for mass consumption; not just for military wives and girlfriends, but for the general public which has little idea of what we go through. Thank you for a bit of inspiration and hope. I needed that tonight.

Peaceful Blessings

~Jjo